Archive for category HIV Outreach

I had suspected James was having an affair with a lady who lived a few houses down from us. I found out after we had split up, that indeed he had been having an affair with her but with some of the gay men in Denton. He spent all his free time with this neighbor gal a few houses down from us. The company that I had dedicated my life too took it upon themselves to withhold my final two paychecks from work to repay their payment of my moving expenses. We were stuck in Houston and broke. How were we going to get back to Denton? I was a straight whiskey drinker by then and was having an awful time without it. If I had stayed in the store in Houston for a year I wouldn’t have to be repaying the moving expenses. Wasn’t any way I was going to stay with that job nor stay in Houston, I hated them both.

As luck would have it, James’ retirement check came in the mail. We were in good shape again. WE had money for pot and booze, as well as move back to Denton, we were thrilled!!! Life was really bad for me for quite some time afterward. I had a hard time getting over what had happened with my job. I applied for unemployment and was denied the first time. I appealed and won my case. We lived off of that and what little James had left of his retirement for awhile.

I was 30 years old and it was 1994.. I was a hopeless, bitter mess. We lived with another gay couple for awhile. The couple fought, both verbally and physically all the time. I couldn’t handle that…It was horrible. My nerves were shot, I couldn’t stand that. I had no ambition in life anymore.. I was finished. James was really an awful person. We fought verbally all the time; I would throw things and break them. He just used me for his “sex” toy! I never got any pleasure out of the relationship. We stayed together because we couldn’t afford to do otherwise. I found out a year afterward that he had molested my 10 year old son; I wanted to murder the man. I went and confronted the pervert but naturally he denied it and my son was too scared to press charges, he wouldn’t talk about it. It made me so sick and angry.

We finally found a trailer home to move into in Lake Dallas and got away from the abusive couple. I started attending the “International Business School” in Denton. I took a paralegal course there. I was also working as a dishwasher. From District manager to Dishwasher, wasn’t that something? Life was miserable with James. He was so very immature. I continued to drink heavily and smoke pot. I was no longer snorting crank, only because I couldn’t find it. I enjoyed going back to school. I had piece of mind there. It was the only enjoyment I had in life. I started becoming violent when I was really drunk and breaking dishes and glasses, whatever I could find; James and I fought everyday. John, Jr. was pissing me off as well. Life was not pleasant at all.

My loving grandmother, whom I had stolen thousands of dollars passed on April 10, 1994; the day before my birthday. I loved her dearly and was never able to repay her. In her will she left me $21,000.00. I used the majority of the money to purchase her house where I had grown up. My grandfather had built the house in the early 1900’s. I bought James a car and paid his deposit and 1st months rent and we (finally) said our “Good-byes”. We decided too break-up, while I had the money. He never appreciated anything I did for him. I don’t know why I bothered helping him. I had a good truck and wanted it to end peacefully. We had been together 2-3 years; 2-3 years of HELL!!!

I apologize for the lack of Photos this time around. I will have to figure out how to download some more pics

Goddess and God Bless!!

Tags: Johnny Shotwell

On we go……..

I had choices to make, good or bad! I had to go back to East Texas, my wife, son and the ministry. I had to change and not be gay, or be gay. I was stumped. There were no in-betweens anymore. I realized I couldn’t change my sexual orientation. I was gay, like it or not. I went back to East Texas and faced the music. My wife, son and I lived directly across the street from “The Gates of Life” After arriving home the 1rst thing I did was to go and face the director there. I was told to get on my knees and ask God for forgiveness for my sins. I did and found that I couldn’t cry out or offer repentance for what they called sin (being gay) my fight was over (for then) I couldn’t fight being gay any longer.

I left the ministry and walked across the street and faced my wife. I went over there a bitter man. Bitter at life and bitter at God for not allowing me to change. I told my wife that we were through and that I was sorry. We did have sex but when we did I always fantasized it was a man. I hated having sex with the opposite sex. She had become pregnant but mis-carried a short while later. That was for the best. My happiness was no more! I called my dear mother and told her what had happened and that we couldn’t stay in East Texas any longer. I asked her if we could come and stay with her until we could get settled on our own. She consented (with reservations) so we moved back to Denton. I felt like a doomed man.

I got a job working for Sears Carpet and Upholstery cleaning services, my wife went to work for Braums. My job was fun and exciting. My manager was an alcoholic and a speed freak just like I had been before the ministry. My kind of boss! I was doing a lot of speed/crank at the time, not to mention drinking. All the employees drank at the shop after the work was finished. We did this everyday, it was great. There were many days that I arrived at work and went to my bosses office to find a big line of crank waiting for me on his desk. It made me a better salesman. Or so I thought. I was the top salesman at the company.

My wife and I were never to try being husband and wife again, though we remained good friends. We didn’t divorce until many years later. There was always that ray of hope. I worked for Sears about a year. I had a hard time convincing my wife that it was over between us, that I was unable to change my sexual orientation. After a few months of working at Braums she was able to find a house of her own. I asked her if I could move in with her, she consented. I was sick of living with mom. I had driven the company van for most of the year that I worked for Sears until I was forced to buy my own car. Shortly after buying the car it stopped running and I had to quit working for Sears. I was devastated. There was no way for me to get to Dallas (where Sears was located) anymore. I was soon to get one of the best jobs in my life.

I went to work for my mom as assistant manager for a store called “Corn Dog on a Stick” they are based in malls all across the USA. After I was there a few months mom decided to quit and I was promoted to manager. I loved this job better than vanilla ice-cream LOL. I had the best store in the district. My gross sales profits were better than any other store in the Dallas/Ft.Worth district. After 2 years of working there I started training to become district manager. I interviewed, hired and trained other store managers. I called in weekly sales figures for the district and maintained a highly profitable store.

I got the job in 1989, the same year my wife and I decided to become roommates again. We got along better as roommates. I quit doing crank soon after leaving my job at Sears, my crank dealer/best friend Jeff stopped dealing it. He got really paranoid and thought someone would break into his home and kill his “beloved” dogs. It was for the best that we quit. I was really getting paranoid as well and barely eating. I was skin and bones. I looked like your typical speed freak. Crank would come back into my life later though.

Nuff said……so how about it? Are you still interested?

Johnny

Tags: Johnny Shotwell